


Chrollo Chrollo Moshi Desu

by stubman



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Crack, FUCK, Humor, Multi, s o sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-18 05:45:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3558332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stubman/pseuds/stubman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the misadventures of the hxh squad</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> started as a shitfic cherry and i took turns writing much like our tg one  
> lmao

Kurapika wakes to the sound of muffled hits from 2008 and 2009. Oh boy. He glances at the digital clock on the desk next to his head and stares at it for a while. It was five in the morning and they were already at it.

He crawls out of bed, already feeling the regret wash over him. Kurapika grabs a blanket and wrap it around himself like some furry burrito and hobbles over to the window, smashing through it instead of unwrapping himself and opening it normally or even just fucking looking out of a window like you’re supposed to.

There they were. Hisoka, Illumi, and Chrollo all going hard to Fergalicious on his front lawn. This happened every morning, but the Fergie was new. Chrollo was getting chrol _low_ while Illumi did the worm. Behind them Hisoka was doing the cupid shuffle.

“Wrong fucking song.” Kurapika muttered under his breath as he watched those three dancing like straight white boys with sticks up their asses. Illumi was horrible at the worm. It kinda looked like he was having a seizure on the floor instead of dancing. Kurapika wonders if he should wake up Leorio and get him to go help the poor, poor man twitching on the ground.

“Come back to bed honey.” Leorio patted the spot next to him before sitting up. “They’re outside every night, watching them now isn’t going to change anything. Get some rest.”

Kurapika sighs, looks back at Hisoka whos about to put himself in a coma, then shuffles back to the bed. He nudges under the covers and appreciates the warmth it brings.

“I just don’t understand. Why do they do this? We’re good people, we make a living like everyone else, we don’t deserve this.”

Leorio rests a reassuring hand on his wifes shoulder, “They can’t keep up at it forever, just wait it out.”

“I suppose so.” Kurapika turns over and closes his eyes. Just as the sweet embrace of slumber is about to hit he hears it.

**“Taakkee ooonn meeee.”** Chrollo sings as loudly as possible.

Kurapika’s eyes snap open, a raging scarlet color.

_“Take on me.”_ Hisoka and Illumi chime in.

**“Taaaaakkkeee mmeeeeee ooonnnnn.”**

_“Take on me.”_

**“I’lllll beeeeee goooonnnneeee, in a daayy oorr tttwwwwwwooooooooo.”**

Kurapika pulls the blankets over his head and resists the urge to scream. This was the constant. No matter what happened, what played, they would always end up singing take on me. Always. He had gotten so used to it he even developed a liking to the song.

Outside, Hisoka is nearing his coma. Soon, he thinks, soon. Illumi stopped doing the worm/having a seizure and began doing the pop and lock, punching Hisoka in the face in the process. Hisoka hits the ground, and he begins vibrating. So close. So close.

Kurapika gives up on any hope of it ending when Abba’s classic Dancing Queen emits from the boombox. He hears small footsteps scurrying closer and closer, like little gremlins, and Gon slams his foot through the door, Killua close behind him.

“MOM HOLY FUCK.”

“I know.”

“Why the hell are they back?” Killua strolls in, hands in pajama pockets, and nears the small work desk in the corner. He picks up a stapler from off of it and nears the broken window, hurling it outside.

The stapler smacks Illumi straight in the forehead, he falls to the ground, unconscious.

Gon comes up from behind him and tries to urge him away, “Killua, I don’t think-”

“Gon I haven’t been able to get more than two hours of sleep for three weeks now because of my stupid brother and his squad. I’m ending this.”

But before he can do anything else, Chrollo picks up Illumi’s limp body and flees. Hisoka stands there for a moment, lost and confused, before trailing after them.

“Well, now that that’s done with, go back to bed boys.” Kurapika shoos them out the door before they can protest.

Finally freed, Kurapika flips back onto bed, crawling back under the covers. He sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Kurapika enters the Starbucks and nears the counter. Hes in the mood for a big cup of coffee to wash down the horrors from the previous night. The man working register is definitely Chrollo, but the parted hair headband on forehead version so Kurapika totally doesn’t recognize him as the slick backed hair Steve Carell who’s been outside his window for the last three weeks.

“Can I have a black coffee, grande.” Kurapika feels his phone vibrate in his pocket and takes it out, apparently Gon wants him to pick up a happy meal on the way home.

“Sure thing, name?” Chrollo eyes the blonde.

“Kurapika.” He begins texting back a reply.

“And do you have a number to go with that name?”

“Sorry, I don’t have a phone.” He hits the send button.

Chrollo raises his eyebrows, looking directly at the phone clearly sitting in Kurapika’s hands.

Kurapika drops the appropriate amount of money on the counter and walks to the left to the pickup area. Chrollo stares at him, an unreadable expression on his face before he’s forced to attend to another customer. Kurapika smirks in victory.

Leorio is still waiting in the car. He goes through the radio stations, continuously disappointed by the lack of anything good on. He relentlessly clicks through them all hurriedly, as if something good will suddenly start. Six minutes later and still no luck.

A song ends, and he pauses, staring at the radio hopefully. However, just another shitty pop song begins. Leorio groans loudly, smashing the next button. He makes it to the country channel.

“Finally! Something good!” He reclines back and relaxes as Big Green Tractor steadily pumps through the speakers.

Memewhile, back in the Starbucks, a grande black coffee is slid across the counter to Kurapika. He picks up the cup and can’t help but notice the name hastily scribbled on there.

“Currypeeca.” He reads to himself. Holy shit.

There was also a little winky face to the side. Disgusting.

Kurapika makes a mental note to get the family matching sweaters with the many misspellings of their names made at Starbucks. Good classics like Kiluhaha, Le Oreo, and Gun.

While Mom and Dad run errands early in the morning, Gon and Killua have been left at home, having still been asleep.

Killua is the first to rise, he jolts awake, sweating, “Holy shit…… oppa gangnam style.”

Gon had already been up, playing on his phone. He rolls off his bed and over to Killua’s, crawling on top and watching him whisper about open gang ham style?

“Kill love live.”

Killua stops muttering to look at Gun.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

The pair eventually leave the bed to make food, Killua heading for the kitchen and somehow losing Gon in the progress. Gon is gone.

Killurama shrugs and grabs a pot to make macaroni, which was basically the only thing he could cook without burning down the house. He could barely even make that right, honestly. Once he missed the strainer. Another time he didn’t even use water, just put dry noodles right on the stove. Killua didn’t even realize he did it wrong until they were charred black and the pot completely ruined.

In the bathroom, Gon watches the tub begin to overflow. “Hohoehoeohoeoheohoeoh.” He reaches over and turns on the sink as well, plugging it up and watching the water rise.

After the deed is done Gon joins Killua in the kitchen, the latter eating slice after slice of cheese.

“Did you remember to put the water in this time?”

“Shut the up fuck Gon.” Killua chucks a slice of cheese at Gon’s face before skateboarding down the hall.

Gon rushes to the kitchen sink, quickly plugging it up and turning it on.

Eight weeks later, Kurapika finally makes it back to the car where Leorio is still waiting, the roaring sound of tractors and gunshots emitting from the speakers. The second he gets settled into the driver’s seat of the minivan, Kurapika turns off the country music and Leorio looks at him, offended.

“That was my _jam_.”

“Leorio, we’ve talked about this.”

Kurapika switches the car into reverse, and slams on the gas. They fling backwards, hitting that bastard Helen from the bake sale and GO. Kurapika refuses to switch out of reverse, and drives home backwards. There are many, many casualties.

Kurapika and Leorio climb out of the car which is perfectly fine for some reason? whatever. Kurapika pulls out his keys and opens the door, screaming when a flood of water knocks him back. Leorio rushes forward and struggles to close the front door, but manages.

Mom’s eye twitches, and he marches to the smashed window from early that morning, climbing in. The bedroom, now a swimming pool, was a complete disaster. Kurapika could only imagine the state of the rest of the house.

Leorio climbs in after him, and together they sludge through the bedroom and into the hall. They find Gon, sitting in one of those floatie tubes and fishing for various household objects. He pulls up a spatula, a Dad Jokes Weekly magazine, Neferpitou (which he immediately puts back), and Killua’s shoe.

Kurapika’s eye is twitching again and he feels Neferpitou latch onto his leg to keep from being swept away, but the pull of the current is inevitable and they are dragged away to meet their cruel fate.

“Gon, what is the meaning of this?! Why is our house flooded??”

“Aesthetic.”

Leorio punches the wall. “The sjws.”

In the kitchen, Killua picks up the scalding pan and positions it over the strainer. The water caused by Gon is up to his waist now but he’s still kickin’. Killua dumps the macaroni into the strainer, all the boiling water joining the flood below.

After all the cheese is in, the ex-assassin swims over to the rest of the gang. Kurapika is currently floating backside up in the water, Gon moseying around like some lazy river ride, and Leorio is thrashing.

They’ve all accepted the fate of living in water until someone cares enough to call someone to fix it. Gon has the “See you next water time...” cue cards ready.

 

Killua picked up a fork from the water and is chilling on a different counter, eating macaroni from the pot. Kurapika floats over and Killua hands him a fork so he can join the mac and cheese eating.

Gon fishes up a clock and checks the time. It was around nine at night. Huh, time really does fly when you’re flooding your house and floating in it.

Hisoka crawls out from under the couch, head creeping up out of the water. Leorio sees him and screams, grabbing a nearby vase and smashing it over Hisoka’s head, knocking him out.

“SCATTER!” Leorio screams, and the family begins rushing around. Leorio and Gon grab Hisoka and throw him out the broken window, Kurapika goes the fuck to bed, and Killua slowly sinks down into the abyss.

“If he wasn’t in a coma before, he’s definitely in a coma now.” Leorio comments.

“Good.” Gon places a single strip of duct tape over the broken window to keep any more memers out of the house, then flashes a peace sign.

Kurapika discovers going to sleep is very, very difficult when your bed is underwater. It’s kind of like that one scene in Edward Scissorhands, except this time there is much more water involved. At least tonight they won’t be bothered by a certain trio thanks to everyones ears being clogged. Everyone grows gills and goes to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

“Dear Diary-chan,” Chrollo scribbled into the fluffy pink journal, “Today I talked with Kurapika, it was the first time he acknowledged me. Unless the times he was screaming at me from inside his house counts. He has such a good voice i love him.”

Chrollo shut the diary and sighed wistfully like a little shoujo manga girl. Hopefully the blonde would leave that forty year old doctor soon and they could be together..

 Illumi slides on his shades to block out the sight of Chrollo’s intense desperation. They’re all chillin’ in Hisoka’s hospital room, where he lays in the coma he so eagerly awaited for.

They were all cleverly disguised (because of a certain doctor they were assigned with,) Illumi with the big plastic nose and mustache attached to his shades, along with a top hat. Chrollo wore a trenchcoat and painted himself grey like some shitty trollsona. As for Hisoka, they just threw a party hat on his face, good enough.

There were a few knocks on the door, then Leorio’s head popped into view. “How’s my favorite comatose patient doing?” He looked down at his clipboard to make sure he got the name right, Hisako. Along with his two friends current visiting, Ebola and Chrolla chrolla get dolla.

Illumi, no, Ebola, grunts in reply. Why was he even here?

Chrolla chrolla get dolla flings his diary out the window before replying, “He’s still in a fucking coma, I’m not really sure what kinda answer you were looking for.”

Leorio smiles, “Excellent!”

How could Kurapika marry this man, Chrollo wonders. Maybe because since he’s a doctor, he’s rich? But Chrollo was well off himself.. It just didn’t make any sense. He’ll have to ask questions.

“So, Doctor-chan, you got any family?”

Leorio comes back into the room since he was about to leave, “Yeah, why?”

Chrollo did not think this far ahead. He begins violently sweating, Ebola-kun steps in.

“Need some assistance?”

Before Chrolla chrolla get dolla can respond, Ebola flings some needles into Leorio.

“Ball is life.”

“Thanks Illumi.”

Leorio stands there motionless, smile still plastered on his stupid face.

Chrollo clears his throat, “Why the hell does Kurapika stay with you?”

“I eat ass.”

 

“I eat ass.”

Illumi begins making gagging noises. “This was a mistake.”

Chrollo looks horrified, the simple thought making him wish he was in Hisoka’s state: unconscious and blissfully unaware of what goes on in the bedroom between the guy who looks fifty and the beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure, Kurapika.

“Any other reasons?”

Leorio shrugs.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Chrollo pinches the bridge of his nose in irritation.

“Alright Chrolla chrolla get dolla we gotta GO.” Chrollo yells, speaking to himself for some reason. Illumi grabs the unconscious Hipsloka, the IV’s ripping out of him along the way. Chrollo uses Leorio to smash open the window, chucking him to the side after, the doctor is gone.

“What about your needles?”

“I don’t want them back after being in _that man_.”

Chrollo grunts in agreement.

 

Kurapika’s eyes slowly open, all the liquid from the previous night has somehow disappeared. God bless the water cycle.

He lays in bed, unwilling to get up. Somewhere in the house, he hears the tiny gremlins rolling around, along with the sound of water running.

“Killua, I found the moon shoes!” Gon yells, and Kurapika groans. He thought he threw those out months ago.

Kurapika doesn’t get to hear Killua’s reply. Loud muffled static emits from outside, followed by mumbled cursing. Kurapika pokes his head out of the gaping hole in the wall to see that puffy collared fellow kicking a radio. He’s alone this time.

Finally the radio shuts off after being flinged against the pavement, Chrollo sighs in relief. But no longer than three seconds later the static starts up again. But it’s not the radio this time, it is Kalluto.

Kalluto is crouched on the ground posin like shes throwin down the sickest beats 2004s ever seen, mouth slightly agape.

“Will you cut that out!” Chrollo whispers angrily.

Kalluto closes her mouth slowly, the noise stops.

Kurapika simply stares, unsure of what is happening. He supposes now would be the best time to call the police since there’s only one of them. But he decides to ask some questions before the forehead tatted mans whisked away to the slammer.

“Hey!” Kurapika shouts from the second floor, Chrollos head whips up instantly.

Chrollo gets on one knee and places a hand to his chest,

“O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!  
It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night  
Like a rich jewel in an Ethiope's ear;  
Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear!  
So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows,  
As yonder lady o'er her fellows shows.  
The measure done, I'll watch her place of stand,  
And, touching hers, make blessed my rude hand.  
Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight!  
For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.”

“Excuse me.”

As much as Kurapika wishes he wouldn’t, Chrollo continues.

“But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?  
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.  
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,  
Who is already sick and pale with grief,  
That thou her maid art far more fair than she:  
Be not her maid, since she is envious;  
Her vestal livery is but sick and green  
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.  
It is my lady, O, it is my love!  
O, that she knew she were!  
She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?  
Her eye discourses; I will answer it.  
I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks:  
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,  
Having some business, do entreat her eyes  
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.  
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?  
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,  
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven  
Would through the airy region stream so bright  
That birds would sing and think it were not night.  
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!  
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,  
That I might touch that cheek!”

“Who the hell is Juliet. Who are you. Why are you outside my house. Why do you have this memorized.” Kurapika glances away from the mysterious man to the phone beside him on the table.

“O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art  
As glorious to this night-”

“Hello, police?”

Chrollo freezes, face paling.

“There is a suspicious man outside, he’s been terrorizing my family for weeks and won’t leave.”

“Babe, wait, babe no-”

“Okay, thanks.” Kurapika hangs up and stares at Chrollo defiantly.

Chrolla chrolla get dolla runs. Right when he makes it into the trees, the kids kick down the bedroom door with the moonshoes Kurapika hates so much.

Gons

Killuas

Dads rest

Kurapika covers

Chrollo runs

KALLUTO drives

Hisoka comas

Feitan unzips

Macklemore macklemores

Hude arrives

Honami doughs

Illumi accelerates

Tsukiyama pees

Kaneki smash

Uta screams

Kurapika looks on in horror. “Who are you people.”

“We’ve been discovered.” Whispers Honami, softly breakdancing

“SHIT!!” Uta looks around frantically, eyes locking on a vase. He runs towards it full speed, and body slams into it.

“SCATTER!!”

They run, but not for long, Gon and Killua come bouncing in on the moonshoes. They jump on all the newcomers, squishing them into the depths of hell. Descend.

Kurapika sits down on the bed, convinced hes in some sort of fever dream. The boys are gone no sooner than they had come. The Kurta clutches his head and reaches for the phone, maybe his husband will have an explanation for this.

“Where are you?”

Leorio grunts, “I told you I’m at work.”

“Swear you’re not at Chuck E Cheese again?”

But before Leorio could give a proper answer, Kurapika hears the skee ball machine alarm go off in the background. He hangs up.

Downstairs, Gon takes out the bread from the freezer. Why it was in the freezer he does not know.

“Killua, get the spatula.”

“Ye.”

Gon takes out the cheese and slams the slices on the counter.

“We’re gonna make the sickest grilled cheese.” Killua pumps his fist into the air.

Gon smiles, eyes devoid of life.

Killua realizes they lost all the spatulas in the flood and grabs a large spoon instead. It will work perfectly. Killua turns around and looks at the loaf in GON’s hands, confused.

“Gon, what is this?”

“That’s bread, Killua.”

“We don’t need bread for grilled cheese???”

“Oh yeah,” Gon looks down at the bread, then back up at the other, “We don’t.”

Gon empties the package down the drain as Killua begins placing the cheese on the now hot pan.

The ex-assassin cranks up the heat as far as it can go on the stove tops, even the ones they aren’t using.

“Alright what now?” Gon questions, staring at the smoke beginning to rise.

“We wait.” Killua makes a hand motion to go to the living room. They nyoom out of the kitchen and begin playing video games.

A few hours later, Leorio walks in through the front door, paper Burger King crown on his head. Instantly he begins coughing as he inhales the thick smoke clouding the room.

“What the hell?”

He goes into the kitchen. The cabinets above the stove are all aflame. Leorio marches into the living room to find the children calmly playing COD as if the house isn’t currently on fire.

“Boys? What happened in the kitchen??”

Killua gasps in terror. “My grilled cheeses!” He grabs Gon and they GO to the kitchen, where the fires still going strong. Killua sprints to the grilled cheese and tries to grab them. He immediately bursts into flames.

“SHIT!!” Leorio screams, knowing his wife would not like that one of the kids was on fire. Gon grabs a rag and tries to put Killurama out, but only succeeds in setting himself ablaze as well.

Great, now both the kids were on fire, Leorio thinks. He rushes to call 911, but the phone bursts into flames too.

Leorio runs upstairs, slamming the bedroom door open. Inside he finds Kurapika, asleep on the bed, also on fire.

“Shit boy shit, shit boy shit, shit boy shit, shit boy shit, shit boy shit.” The doctor paces around in circles.

Soon enough, Leorio bursts into flames as well.


	4. Chapter 4: Target Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plz watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glgblV7Un_g  
> to better understand what adultrios doing thank you

The fire department arrived to put out the family and the house. Afterwards, life continued as usual.

A week had passed before Leorio, Gon, and Killua found themselves getting inside Kurapika’s soccer mom minivan, their destination the local Target store. That morning Killua ate the last of the Cheerios and they need more, there’s also some dad tools Leorio wants.

Kurapika buckles in Gon and Killua. Killua gives him a -_- face cause he knows how to put on a seat belt by himself. Gon just goes with it.

“Thanks mom.” The white haired child grumbles sarcastically.

Kurapika smiles threateningly and gets in the passengers seat. Off they go.

On the drive there, Kurapika forcibly takes control of the wheel, running six red lights, smashing through the window of a Dunkin Donuts they had attempted to get food at, convinced Gon to punch out a cop that pulled them over, and successfully managed to outrun twelve police cars all in the span of thirty seven minutes.

“Get rekt.” Leorio whispers, shoved into the backseat with the kids after Kurapika took over the minivan. The tall man’s head slammed into the roof every time they went over the slightest bump in the road.

Finally they pull up to the target, Gon and Killua outta the car before it could even park. Leorio silently wonders where they’d learnt the tuck and roll thing from. The boys run to the entrance, Gon stands inside the giant circle thing, you know the one, while Killua lays on top of the red ball orb thing, it reminds him of Ikalgo.

Kurapika grabs a shopping cart, Leorio goes to the dad aisles.

“Don’t wander off too far, I’ll call you when we’re done.” Kurapika tells the boys.

“Yee.” Gon flops out of the circle and drags Killua off the red orb and into the store. His foot gets stuck in the automatic doors. Gon pulls him harder and *hacker voice* they’re in.

Killua notices one of those car carts off to the side, “Weird, these are from a different grocery store. How’d it get here?”

Gon shrugs, “Let’s take turns pushing each other around.” He then wiggles inside it, honking the horn. Killua grips the handle bars and nyooms away.

Meanwhile, Kurapika has put every type of Cheerio into the cart, it is overflowing. Nearby, a child cries as they stare at the Cheerios they so desperately wanted. Kurapika simply walks away quickly with every box in the store.

However, he was not fast enough, and the child’s angry mother taps his shoulder. The Kurta spins around and comes face to face with Helen from the school bake sale.

He remembers that day perfectly, Kurapika had made his headbangingly good brownies for the bake sale at Gon and Killua’s preschool, then caught Helen talking shit about them to another jealous mom. Long story short, he slammed down Helen’s stupid fucking cupcakes and demanded she fight him immediately, right then and there.

According to the principal, threatening and attempting to fight a mom at a bake sale is not allowed and he got banned from all bake sales thereafter.

Forgive and forget? No, resent and remember.

Kurapika walks over to Helens cart and begins taking everything out, putting the items into his own cart. Helen knocks over the others cart in retaliation.

on Helens part, Kurapika’s eyes become scarlet with anger. The fight begins.

A few aisles over, in the electronics section, Hisoka holds one of those handheld price markers, putting sales on Xbox games.

“Hey, where’s the Call of Duty Modern Warfare?” A thirteen year old asks the brightly haired Target worker.

Hisoka looks at the child with a blank expression, “Get out of my store.” That game sucks.

“Wh-”

“Get out of my store.”

How did he escape his coma? We just don’t know. Hisoka smashes the price marker to the kids forehead, a ‘Now $19.99’ sticker appearing when he pulls away.

The 360 no scoper stumbles off in fright, Hisoka smirks in satisfaction. He brushes his Target vest and crouches down, getting back to work.

“Time to meme it up.” Hisoka begins softly breakdancing.

He lowers the prices on some shitty zombie games in hopes if he does enough people will actually buy them and they won’t have so many. As it is now, 98% of the games section is just the same shitty zombie game. The only other thing is the Sims 2, so not even a good Sims as far as I remember, and a singular copy of that one Space Jam video game for the Playstation.

They haven’t gotten a new shipment in years.

“Oho?” Hisoka notices a different game among the zombie ones, he pulls it out and is pleasantly pleased. It’s Dance Dance Revolution. Finally.

The target worker looks left and right, then after making sure no one was looking, he slips the game into his rubber band coated torso.

Before he can steal anymore merchandise, his employee walky talky goes off.

“A customer seems to be causing a ruckus by the dairy section, someone go over there and check it out.”

Hisoka presses the button, “I got this.” Off he goes.

The closer he gets the louder the violent violin playing becomes.

“It’s not butter?!” Someone shouts.

“Please calm down.”

“If it’s not butter then what is it? _How can we trust this?_ ”

“Pouf we can just buy another brand of butter.”

Hisoka turns a corner and sees the scene for himself. A well dressed blonde man is playing the violin while ranting about butter, while a shorter white haired person tries to calm him down.

“But the others are too expensive!” Tears began flowing freely from his eyes.

“Ugh lets ju-”

“Guys! Guys!” A large red man runs towards them, “Pizzas on sale!”

Shaiapouf instantly stops playing the violin, it disappears into thin air.

“Nice entry level magic, asshole.” Hisoka whispers to himself. They seemed to have chilled out, his job is done.

“Purrfect! We don’t need butter when we have pizza. Call Mewruem, theres been a change of plans and he doesn’t need interrogate Paula Deen anymore.”

Youpi whips out his phone, “On it.”

Pouf has already wandered away to the frozen foods section. He scourges for the cheap pizza when his eyes land on an intriguing box.

“It's not delivery,” He reads, “It's digiorno?”

Pitou sighs when they hear a loud familiar scream, leaving Youpi to do his thing and rushes to find the other.

They find Pouf punching the glass door in front of the pizzas, eyes and nose leaking with fresh tears.

“Nande? Nande?!” He doesn’t understand. Another smash against the door and the glass shatters. Pouf sinks to his knees and holds his head in his hands.

Hisoka peers down the aisle upon hearing more noise in his store. Pouf abruptly slams up and locks eyes with him. Hisoka raises his arms in a woah just take it easy man pose. Shia LaPouf sprints full speed over to the target worker and tackles him down, grabbing the little speaker things you know the ones from his belt.

btw nobodys still an ant. youpi is just a muscular red painted man and pouf has little butterfly wings taped to his back. pitou is a weaboo with shitty cat ears. meururum is a furry. hes really into ninja turtles. komugis still blind and thinks she has normal friends

Pouf begins climbing one of the freezers and stands atop of it, screaming into the speaker.

**“IF DIGIORNO ISN’T DELIVERY, _HOW DOES IT GET TO THE STORE?!!?_ ”**

People all around the Target freeze and look at each other, grocery shopping skidding to a halt. They never realized this. The people begin sweating. Why did no one ever question this?? What was the truth behind DiGiorno? Was there any truth at all? Was anything they knew the truth? Was everything a lie? Just like DiGiorno’s lies??

Some scream. Some begin fist fighting others, some are just plain fisting, abandoning all hope. Junko Enoshima gets a boner. A child is crying. Helen breaks down on the floor and Kurapika takes that moment to escape.

“Chotto matte!” Hisoka cries as fighting and confusion breaks out all around him, being the manager of a store really has its downsides.

“DELIVER US THE TRUTH!!” Pouf screeches, ripping his shirt off and sending his taped butterfly wings flinging into the distance.

Komugi pulls on Youpi’s hand. “What’s happening??”

“Uh,” He begins sweating, he doesn’t want to scare the girl or Meruem would have his head.

“They’re moshing.”

“Moshing? Like at parties?”

“Yes, to express their excitement at all these sales.”

“Oh!,” Komugi sniffles, “I see. I want to mosh too, here hold this.” She gives Youpi her cane and begins headbanging violently. Seconds later and she is lost in the crowd. Pitou screams in terror, they lost the child.

More closer to the front of the store, where there’s less commotion, Illumi browses the fruits section. It has been three hours, and so far only one apple has been deemed worthy of being purchased. It sits in the cart next to Alluka, whose entire body is duct taped down safe for an arm. It waves around helplessly.

Illumi holds a pear in one hand, an orange in the other. He looks between the two, judging their value.

“Mmmhh…”

“Onii-chan, hurry up!” Alluka calls out.

Illumi kicks the cart, it tips over, the apple rolling out. Great.

He puts down the two fruits in his hands, going back over to the apples area. The process begins again. Red or green? Yellow? Or maybe one of the mixed ones?

The oldest Zoldyck decides that apple bunnies taste the best when they’re red, so he hurls the green apple across the room. In the distance he hears a struggled cry, followed by a crash. Pouf has been dethroned from the top of the frozen food freezers.

People passing by confusedly stare at Illumi when they notice the small arm sticking out of his cart, wiggling desperately. He ignores them.

Memewhile, Youpi, Pitou, and Pouf are sprinting through the aisles, trying to spot the little white haired girl. Youpi begins throwing boxes of instant mashed potatoes and bags of rice in frustration. Pitou watches the foods vanish into the crowd, just as Komugi had.

“Mewruem's going to kill us. This is it, this is the end.” Pitou reaches a hand up to wiggle a cat ear, as if it were twitching.

“Wait! She has her phone, we can call her!” Youpi gasp. Pouf whips out his phone from seemingly nowhere and throws it to Pitou, who quickly catches it in their mouth. They then open the contact list and freeze.

“Pouf, Mewruem’s the only one in here.”

“I deleted everyone who was unnecessary.”

“You’ve got purroblems, man.” Pitou deadpans.

Youpi looks betrayed, as Pouf was at the top of his contacts list with many friendly emotes.

Pitou drops his phone with a quiet ‘ugh’ and whips out their own, locating Komugi’s number and quickly calling her.

It rings, they wait nervously, praying she picks up.

“Moshi moshi Komugi desu.”

“Oh thank god! Komugi, where are you!?” Pitou cries, putting the phone on speaker.

“The grocery store.”

“We know. Be more specific.” Youpi sighs, “Can you describe your surroundings for us?”

"..."

“Oh. _Oh_. I am so sorry. That was.” Youpi is ashamed of himself.

“Youpi oh my god.”

“No no, its fine!” Komugi insists. Youpi feels fucking terrible. Pitou pats him on the shoulder.

“I told you to invest in a child leash.” Pouf mutters.

“Pouf for the last fucking time we aren’t getting a child leash for Komugi.” Pitou picks up his useless phone from the ground where they dropped it and throws it at his head. “If anything we’d use it for you.”

Pouf is offended.

Hisoka sneezes, and his hair turns blue. The store has settled down enough to where it’s like warped tour at 9 am and no ones really in the mood to mosh that early but the long haired guy with the guitar full of ten energy drinks on stage is encouraging them to anyways.

The target manager wanders around, looking for Bad and Naughty customers to put in the pear wiggler. He spots long black hair and smirkles.

“This one has a bruise.” Illumi chucks the apple to the left, knocking another shopper unconscious.

“The stem is gone, that won’t do.” This time it hits the small light illuminating the green beans. Sparks fly and it crashes to the floor.

Hisoka stands close behind Illumi, he has found a Bad and Naughty child. Illumi. Naughty. Illuminatti. How could he have missed it.

Illumi stands perfectly still, hoping that if he doesn’t move Hisoka will be fooled and will leave him alone. It isn’t working, Hisoka is still breathing heavily on his shoulder. Illumi shudders at the feeling, wishing the other wasn’t there, all he wanted to do was buy fruit.

“Damage prediction on pears during transportation.”

“Excuse me.”

“Damage prediction on pears during transportation.” Hisoka repeats, taking a pear and smashing it on the ground. Juice leaks around their feet. At the sight, Hisoka begins vibrating.

“You’ve been a Bad and Naughty child.” He finishes.

Illumi looks around hopelessly, wishing they were outside so he could dig a hole to escape.

“Haha just kidding bro,” Hisoka's hair turns reddish pink again as he slings an arm over the others shoulder. “How ya been?”

The assassin calmly unwraps the offended limb from around himself. “Fine.”

“Cool, wanna gallon smash?”

“Don’t you work here?”

Hisoka takes off the Target vest and throws it in the cart. Alluka wheezes.

“No.”

They run.

With Helen mourning the DiGornio truth, Kurapika continues on his shopping adventure. There's a blonde buff child he doesn’t recognize in his cart, but he isn’t doing any harm so he just leaves him in there amongst the Cheerios.

Kurapika pulls out his shopping list,

  * eggs
  * cheerios
  * laundry soap
  * **REVENGE**
  * mini bagels



and crosses out cheerios.

“Eggs.” He says out loud, strolling down the aisles to get a carton.

Kurapika opens a box and takes out a single egg, placing it in his cart. He’s about to move on to the cleaning aisles when he feels someone tap his shoulder. Expecting it to be Helen back for more, he spins around to face- oh no.

“Excuse me, but I think that little guy belongs to me.” Chrollo smiles at him. Behind him Machi and Uvo throw flower petals, while in front Kortopi turns on a fan, which is kind of useless considering Chrollo’s hair was slicked back and wouldn’t blow behind him like planned. Instead, Kurapika’s hair gets blown all in his face. This is a mess.

“Daddy.”

Kurapika notices the blonde kid in his cart has a voice too deep to be under fourteen. Wait.

“That is not a child.” Kurapika makes a face, realizing that they must have _that_ kind of relationship.

Chrollo catches on, paling. “No no that’s not, fuck. Shalnark get out of the cart, you ruined everything.”

Shalnark goes to hop out of the cart, but his foot catches onto the edge at the very last second. It tips over, Cheerios spilling everywhere from the now smashed boxes. Shalnark lays on the ground, immobilized by the fallen cart. Chrollo puts his head in his hands, the plan is destroyed and so are the Cheerios.

Kurapika’s eyes flash red for a moment, he breathes deeply to calm himself.

“What do you want with us?”

“Pardon?”

“You keep tormenting my family and I, why?”

Chrollo begins sweating, he did not plan on this. He looks at the smudged writing on his hand, there were no notes for this situation. Sensing the atmosphere of a possible confession, Shalnark, Machi, Uvo, and Kortopi bolt down the store, giving their leader some privacy. They all pray it turns out well, if they have to suffer through another night of Chrollo ranting about the blonde they would lose it.

“Surely you aren’t doing this out of boredom?” Kurapika taps his foot impatiently, demanding an answer.

The seconds tick past, Chrollo slowly sinking under the others intense gaze, he doesn’t know how much more of this he can take. He blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

“I am the snake!”

Bad choice.

They’re both quiet. Kurapika slowly raising an eyebrow, not really understanding what the fuck that means.

“...Could you repeat that?” Maybe he somehow misheard, that was a possibility-

“I am the snake.”

Nevermind. Back to silence they go.

“I’m. I’m gonna go now.” Chrollo awkwardly shuffles away.

Kurapika stands there, blinking a few times to try and process what just happened. He looks to his fallen cart and sighs, picking it up along with the only box of cheerios that didn’t get ruined. Time to get laundry soap.

Chrollo walks around aimlessly, head down and pout on his face. He fucked up. He fucked up big time. He notices something fly by out of the corner of his eye and looks to the right only to find the ground flooded with milk.

“Oh my god did you see how far that one went.” Says a familiar voice.

Hisoka and Illumi run down the aisle past him, both slipping on the milk and smashing into each other. Illumi tries to stand up, holding on a nearby fridge handle for support, but his feet can’t find traction on the floor. There’s too much milk. The assassin flies backwards, landing on top of Hisoka, who was also trying to get back up. Both of their clothes are completely drenched.

Chrollo doesn’t move. Too transfixed with the scene before him.

Hisoka finally manages to get up, he opens the door to grab another milk and goes to the front of the aisle, finally noticing the Phantom Troupe leader.

“Hey Brollo, can you film this?”

“I..”

Illumi is suddenly next to him, “Film it it’s gonna be sick.”

Chrollo takes out his phone, clicking record. “Okay..”

Hisoka begins walking down the aisle, which soon becomes a light jog. He hurls the milk against the fridge door then backflips, feet ending up in the milk once he lands. He instantly slips and falls flat on his face.

Chrollo stares in awe, feeling inspired.

“Let me try.” He hands Illumi the phone and grabs a carton. Starting at the front of the aisle and making his way down. He chucks the milk into the air and runs into the fridge door. The carton lands on him and explodes. Chrollo is soaked.

Milk is fucking everywhere. So is Migi. He slowly climbs up Illumi’s leg, Illumi is unaware.

Elsewhere Gon and Killua were still in that stolen car cart. They haven’t moved. For hours they have sat in the same spot, emotionless. They stare blankly at the wall, waiting patiently.

“Why haven’t we went anywhere, Killua?”

“I think the writers forgot about us.”

“Oh.”

Silence.

Komugi is still lost. Youpi has gone to management to try and make an announcement. Pitou drags Pouf, who is on the child leash, around to try and find her.

“This is completely unnecessary.” He tugs at the material connecting the two.

“No, it is not, we’d only been here for 45 minutes and you caused a riot.”

“DiGiorno's been lying to us this entire time! The people had to know!”

“Oh my god, shut up.”

Pouf turns his head away from Pitou, big girls don’t cry.

They walk around the store for a little more, Pitou calling out for Komugi loudly while Pouf calls out halfheartedly. Eventually Pouf gets tired of all the searching and just _lies down_ , and Pitou drags him around on the floor by the leash.

“You heavy bastard! Get up!” They yell, kicking the still shirtless man to the side. Pouf makes no noise or movements, he simply stares up while a tear drips down his cheek.

“I’ve exposed the truth… but at what cost?”

“We’re booking you a counseling appointment once we find Komugi.” Pitou reaches up with her free hand and wiggles the cat ear again before continuing to pull Pouf along.

The loudspeakers crackle to life, and the voice of Kaji Yuki is heard, “Attention shoppers, if anyone sees a small white haired girl, most likely smashing into things, please direct her to one of the staff. Thank you.”

Pitou nyahs, “Nice job, Youpi!”

Pouf gurgles, a milk carton soaring above him, he ignores it.

“Hisobro, that went across six aisles, thats a new record.” Illumi notes.

“That still can’t beat when you threw the strawberry milk and it ricocheted off the light fixture onto Shalnark, the smashed light falling on him after.” Chrollo pipes in.

“Yeah that was pretty sick.” Hisoka adds.

Illumi hums.

Chrollo picks up a fresh carton of milk, “Alright next lets do formation B.”

They all nod, going off into their positions.

Distorted versions of Love Live songs blast over the speakers. Illumi goes in front of the fridge as if browsing its contents, Chrollo hides behind the corner, while Hisoka starts walking down the aisle.

A lady with her shopping cart approach, when she turns her head away Hisoka runs and throws the milk in the air, he falls onto the ground in front of the woman and the milk explodes around him. She is horrified.

Illumi turns around, “Wow what a mess.” He deadpans, going over to help him up, slipping in the milk himself and landing on Hisoka.

The innocent customer stands there, not knowing what to do.

Chrollo strolls down the aisle, holding another carton, he slips on the milk already on the floor, the carton flies out of his hand and smashes into a fridge door. All three lay on the ground in a tangled mess of limbs.

The lady slowly pushes her cart towards them, "Hold onto the cart."

Hisoka is the first to successfully stand, he clutches the end of the cart for dear life. The moment he tries to take a step he dramatically slips, toppling into Illumi who was close to getting up. Chrollo doesn't even try, just lays on the ground, clothes soaking the milk up slowly.

Two Target workers come rushing to the rescue, but their effort is futile, Hisoka, Illumi, and Chrollo keep falling into each other. The ground is flooded.

Kurapika, still searching for those mini bagels, glances down the dairy section. The moment he sees the trio treating the aisle like its some supermarket Slip’N Slide he speeds off in the other direction. He glances back and watches some milk seep from the aisle, on its way to covering the entire store, just like the Digiornos riot earlier. Kurapika accelerates.

He feels sorry for anyone still moshing, as at this rate the milk will reach them and they will perish.

Finally reaching the grains and bakery section, Kurapika spots the mini bagels up ahead. As he makes his way towards them, a particular loaf of bread catches his eye. He goes up to it, mesmerized.

“Even now, the evil seed of what you’ve done, _germinates_ , within you.” The bread speaks.

The Kurta stares.

The bread stares back.

Another customer with a Levi haircut swoops in and takes the bread for himself, Kurapika watches as the bread silently screams within its plastic confinement, staring at the blonde and begging for release. Kurapika does nothing, simply watches the bread get carried off, its fate sealed.

“K.” He grabs the mini bagels and slam dunks them in his cart.

After successfully snagging the bread, Milluki sits in the growing swarm of milk and stares at it, who stares back like it had with Kurapika.

“Even now, the evil seed of what you’ve done, _germinates_ , within you.” The bread whispers.

“Even now, the evil seed of what you’ve done, _germinates_ , within you.” Milluki repeats.

“Even now, the evil seed of what you’ve done, _germinates_ , within you.” The bread whispers.

“Even now, the evil seed of what you’ve done, _germinates_ , within you.” Milluki repeats.

“Even now, the evil seed of what you’ve done, _germinates_ , within you.” The bread whispers.

“Even now, the evil seed of what you’ve done, _germinates_ , within you.” Milluki repeats.

“Even now, the evil seed of what you’ve done, _germinates_ , within you.” The bread whispers.

Milluki drops dead. The bread quickly uses the milk to float away, back to freedom. It free.

Alluka cries for help.

**Author's Note:**

> lmao follow us @ memedong.tumblr.com and genderfluidkurapikas.tumblr.com


End file.
